But that’s if you believe in all that Mayan doom and gloom shit. I figure if its gonna end it’ll be then but really I doubt it. Besides I gotta a kid so I’m optimistic. And this isn’t an article about that shit anyway.
This shit is all about me. First off I’m one of those sorry assholes who looks at the new year as some sort of big bad excuse to make a change in their lives. One of them that thinks that because the calendar has changed it’s time to shed the pounds, time to be nicer, time to try harder, time to not be such a piece of shit.
This year (Hell, lets not forget every year since I was 18) I’ve packed on a few more pounds. I’ve done a whole lot of nothing towards my chosen career, filmmaking. I’ve made absolutely no good on my promises to my kid to get a place of our own. I’ve done fuck all to better myself and by extension, my daughter’s life.
Not for not trying though… sort of. I did get a job last summer. It was even sort of connected to my chosen career. It was editing wedding videos. Not too glamorous but it paid money. Not enough money to really do much. I spent most of my checks on gas just to drive the 100 miles a day to work and back.
But I was doing the best I could. That’s what I kept telling myself. That’s what I’ve always told myself. It’s never been true. I know I could do more. I know I could look for a better paying job. I could be making more money and have a place for my daughter and I. I could pay my bills and get off the food stamps.
I just don’t know how. Ok I know how but I’m probably afraid of something. What that is I don’t know. I just don’t know how to get a regular job and put on a regular smile and live an ordinary life. I’m a 29 year old loser. I’m fat and getting fatter. Right now I feel sorry for myself. Usually I don’t. But today I do. Most of the time I’m cool with who I am. I know that in just a little bit I’m going to start that script. I’m going to get that new music video gig. I’m going to go for that jog. I always feel like a jack ass when I don’t. But most of the time I don’t feel like I’m a piece of shit. Well, today I do. And the truth is every other day I do too. I just learned to lie to myself and pretend to be happy with who I am.
Well, I’m not. I’m not happy being a fat ass, semi-employed, single dad living with his mom, step-dad, sister, 2 nephews, niece, baby twins, uncle, and tinny dog named Sammy Davis Jr. I’m supposed to be a writer. I’m supposed to be a Director. I’m supposed to be a screenwriter. I’m supposed to be a musician. And most importantly I’m supposed to be a good provider for my child. And that’s my New Years resolution. Not to get thin, not to make an improvement, not to start a new diet or to be nicer but to stop bull shitting my self and admit that I’m not anything I want to be. No more bull shit. I’m a fucking loser and I’m not cool with that.
Happy New Year's Everyone!!!!!!